I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
You Might Also Like
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
he’s doing your taxes
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
welcome back
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
there’s probably a fee though