What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
So that’s what we looked like?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work