I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
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If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.