Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
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Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Liquor Store Parking
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.