I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
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Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom