Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
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Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.