You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
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[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”