My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
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If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it