my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
You Might Also Like
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.