Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
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Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
good morning
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow