To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
You Might Also Like
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.