I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
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I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror: