How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Here’s a meme
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice