I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
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GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.