How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
You Might Also Like
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
just having fun
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )