I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school