4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
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5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Netflix and you sit over there.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…