Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
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To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Cndnsd Mlk
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.