I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Autocorrect completely socks
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Beware of the dog..
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!