So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
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Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
never forget
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today