I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
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[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I thought this was funny lol
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper