Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like