INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
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Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are