It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
me when i see my girls butt
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like