Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
can I use a minion as a tampon
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.