I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
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* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”