iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
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Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.