Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
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My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Me trying to reach for my goals
That’s not how days work.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Ha
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?