Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
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If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
This raises questions
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it