Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
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Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
😆this is so true
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.