*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
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Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it