whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Who.
Did.
This?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met