if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
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how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
This is hilarious….
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
notice
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.