The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
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Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Oh, I bet you would be
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
My birthstone is kidney
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.