Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I’m sorry…what?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.