INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
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HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.