Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
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I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.