[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
next question.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.