The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
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Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there