[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
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My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.