It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Your secret is safeish with me
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Favourite diary entry ever
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A