Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
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So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there