[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
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A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Home #decor warning.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.