My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
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if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.