Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
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Mice are just frozen Mwater.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh