No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
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Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
A customer told me they were never coming back….
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
HOW DARE YOU