I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
TODAY
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it