The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
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“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]