Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
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How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.