If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week